Girl Talk and Morphine
by Myth Queen
Summary: While under the influence of Morphine, Lisbon and Van Pelt discuss the men on their team. The fun contiues when the guys put a Jane plan into motion and Van Pelt is determined to set up Cho with a nurse. Also, Red John will make an appearence. OOC crackfic
1. Chapter 1

Teresa Lisbon stared up at the hospital ceiling. Her mind was groggy, a result of the painkillers the nurses had injected through her IV tubes. She was feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time, ever since before Patrick Jane joined the CBI team.

"I can't believe that we both got shot," she mentioned out loud.

Across the room, Grace Van Pelt nodded. "Weird that we ended up in the same room."

"I thought I was going to get a private room."

"Mmmmm." Grace closed her eyes. The red-head seemed to be remarkably calm as well. "I'm bored."

"Me, too." Lisbon sighed. She tried to sit up but that sent a bolt of pain shooting through her. With a gasp she fell back. "I hate this!"

"Quit whining, I got shot, too!"

"Yes, but you only got shot in the shoulder. And don't tell me to quit whining, I'm your superior!" Lisbon turned to glare at Van Pelt.

"Sorry. Although I was shot six inches from my heart, and you were shot seven."

"It's an abdominal injury."

"Mine's fresher."

Lisbon had to laugh. Van Pelt smiled in a very Jane-like way. Both women leaned back in their narrow hospital beds. "We're seriously arguing about who is wounded worse?" Van Pelt murmured. "We really are bored, aren't we?"

Lisbon nodded. "There isn't a lot of other things we can talk about, though, is there?"

"Because you're my superior and it's unprofessional to talk about things that actually have any sort of feeling behind them."

"That had better be the morphine talking," Lisbon warned.

Van Pelt shrugged and winced. "Maybe, partly. Does it ever bother you, though? We're the only women on the team, but we can't even be besties."

Lisbon snorted. "Besties?"

Van Pelt groaned in self-disgust. "I watch waaay too much of the Big Bang Theory."

"You like that show?"

"I like to imagine Sheldon vs Jane."

Lisbon frowned for a moment. She didn't see much of the Big Bang Theory, but of what she had seen of Sheldon Cooper, him meeting Patrick Jane would be either very funny or very heartbreaking. "That would be interesting, I guess."

"Boss, can I ask you a personal question?"

"How personal?"

"Personal enough not to be appropriate on the job, but not too personal that I can't blame it on the morphine," Van Pelt replied. She pushed a button that brought her bed into a sitting position. She looked over at Lisbon for an answer, but decided that silence would have to be an affirmative. "Are you attracted to Patrick Jane?"

Lisbon was so surprised that she forgot how to breath for an instant. That led to coughing, which hurt like crazy. "What?" she gasped. "Me and him?"

Van Pelt shrugged.

"What made you think of that?"

"Well, the other night I had a dream that the two of you announced to the team that you had secretly gotten married. It was really sweet and romantic, actually. He was grinning like he always does, but he actually meant it. We were all congratulating you and smiling and laughing." Van Pelt fell into a memory stupor. "And then Cho killed Jane in a fit of jealous rage."

Lisbon laughed out loud. "Really? Well, I had a dream that you announced that you were secretly pregnant with Risgby's baby, and Cho killed him in a fit of jealous rage."

Van Pelt laughed. She shook her head from the irony of the situation. "Wow. We need to find Cho a girl."

"Yes, we do!" Lisbon adjusted her bed as well. "The problem is, I don't really know many women besides you. And most of them are murder suspects. Gosh, my life is lame."

"No, not lame," Van Pelt reassured her. "You're just dedicated to your job. Same here. I don't know many people off the job. Can I confess something?"

"Sure," Lisbon said, deciding that their conversation was already so personal it didn't matter if they started swapping diaries. All right, maybe not that personal, but the morphine was making it hard to think objectively.

"When I first met Patrick Jane, I thought he was hot."

Lisbon was surprised to feel jealously rise up. "When you first met him, right? But not now?"

"Ha! I knew it!" Van Pelt cried, and winced. She put her hand to her shoulder. "I knew it. You like the psychic."

"He's not psychic."

"Sure he is, he just doesn't want to admit it. If he were truly just really observant, he'd have gotten it through his thick blond head that you like him. You think he's hot, don't you?"

Lisbon blushed. "He has a great smile."

"Yeah, he does, doesn't he?" Van Pelt mused. "Not that he's my type."

"Wayne's more your type? Is it the ruggedly handsome, overly loyal qualities that drew you to him? He's never gotten over you."

It was Van Pelt's turn to blush. "I don't want to jeopardize his career. I considered quitting, you know, so that we could stay together."

"He wouldn't want that. You're a vital part of the team, Van Pelt."

Van Pelt laughed. "Yeah, I look things up and play decoy for Jane. Real vital."

"But you're good at it."

"I'm good at holding my real feelings in."

Lisbon proper herself up on her elbow. She stared over at Van Pelt incredulously. "You're still in love with him! Grace, you were going to get married to that other guy!"

Van Pelt was shocked by the use of her first name. "Well, I- You were dating somebody else even though you're clearly in love with Jane!"

"I am not in love with Jane!"

"Who's in love with me?"

The two women started in surprise and looked over to see Patrick Jane standing in the doorway. He was holding two potted roses, one white the other red. The ear-to-ear grin on his face made both Lisbon and Van Pelt feel like he had listened to the whole conversation. They looked at each other briefly before turning back to Jane.

"I thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing," he said, meandering over to the windowsill to set the plants down. He pulled a chair between the two beds. His grin widened as he took in the blushing Lisbon and Van Pelt's horrified amusement. "So who's in love with me?"

Van Pelt and Lisbon exchanged exasperated glanced. Darn this morphine!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Due to the amount of positive feedback and requests for continuation, I have decided that I would in fact continue the drugged-out adventures of Teresa Lisbon and Grace Van Pelt. Please note that this takes place in a mythical time, and therefore will allude to events that have not occurred in the series, as well as ignoring events that are occurring (For instance, Rig's girlfriend Sarah does not exist). Also, it is a shameless Jane/Lisbon and Van Pelt/Rigsby story, although there may not be any consolidating of relationships by the end. I hope you enjoy, and please keep in mind that this is not to be taken seriously.

AND SO WE BEGIN...

The sun was shining and the grass was green. Bluebirds were singing and the two roses sitting between the hospital beds were in full bloom. Van Pelt's shoulder had been acting up, so the nurses gave her a double dose of morphine. She floated in a wonderful pain-free world. Everything seemed to be quite wonderful.

"Hey boss! What's red and green and goes 400 miles per hour?" she asked, propping herself up on her bed.

"You've told me that joke already," Lisbon replied. She frowned at the juice box on her dinner tray. She wasn't allowed to eat solids just yet, and juice was getting on her nerves.

Van Pelt giggled. "Red and green and 400 miles per hour. A frog in a blender!"

"It gets less funny every time."

Van Pelt stopped giggling suddenly. She jumped off her bed and staggered to the door. Lisbon considered ordering her to go back to bed, but decided that she didn't want any more frog jokes and Van Pelt could go annoy the nurses instead. But instead of leaving, Van Pelt peering into the hallway, looking left and then right. She closed the door. Tiptoeing to Lisbon's narrow hospital bed, she jumped onto the end like a teenager at a slumber party.

"We work with hot men!"

Lisbon stared at her. "Okay."

"They are really, really hot! But do you know who I think is hottest of them all?"

Lisbon started to get concerned. Her eyebrows arched in confusion. "Rigsby?"

"Rigsby!" Van Pelt squealed. "He's so, so tall! I love his hair, his dark hair and his bold, mature, strong stance and all his childish quirks! I even love the way he eats all the time! But no, Rigsby isn't the hottest."

Lisbon was intrigued. "Who is then?"

"Cho!"

"Cho?"

"Cho!" Van Pelt squealed again. "He is so hot! His serious, never-crack-a-smile looks are just... just whew!" Van Pelt threw herself backwards, resulting in her falling off the bed and pulling the curtains and their rods off the ceiling in an attempt to catch herself.

A nurse rushed into the room. She looked at Van Pelt shrieking with laughter and shook her head.

"I think they gave her too much," Lisbon offered.

"Yeah."

Van Pelt stopped laughing. She looked up at the nurse with a frown. "You're pretty. Are you married?"

"No." The nurse looked a little uncomfortable. She pulled Van Pelt to her feet and propelled the groggy agent to her bed.

"Are you dating?"

"No."

"Do you like cops?"

"Van Pelt, where are you going with his?" Lisbon queried.

Van Pelt crashed onto her bed and seemed to be drifting away. She roused herself and looked over at Lisbon. "She'd be good for Cho, don't you think?"

And as Van Pelt crashed into a drug-induced sleep, Lisbon studied the nurse. She was blond, tall and looked like she could party if she wore something other than scrubs. Lisbon frowned thoughtfully. Was she Cho's type? For that matter, what was Cho's type? Ah, big deal about types. The boy needed a girl.

"She's right. You should meet Agent Cho. He's one of the best team members on my team."

The nurse smiled and nodded. She clearly thought the cops were crazy. "I'll do that sometime then."

"Well, I-"

"You've suffered a serious wound. It's time for you to rest."

"She's the dope, not me!" Lisbon protested, pointing to Van Pelt. She pulled herself up and fell back with a loud cry of pain. Without asking (which should be illegal if it isn't already, Lisbon thought) the nurse quickly gave her more morphine. The pain dulled to a pulse, and Lisbon struggled to keep her wits about her. But it was a failing battle and so she concentrated on falling asleep instead. Which she did.

But unbeknownst to both Lisbon and the nurse, Van Pelt wasn't sleeping. And when the nurse had left, she staggered out of bed to find a phone.


	3. Chapter 3

Kimball Cho stared in disgust as his colleague and friend, Wayne Rigsby, downed a second hamburger in the same amount of minutes. Trying to ignore it, Cho looked back down at his paperwork. The sentences blurred together with the sounds of beef, tomatoes and bun being masticated into a fine pulp. After writing a couple words, Cho slammed his pen down.

"How can you eat so much at a time like this?"

Rigsby was confused. "At a time like what? Both of them are fine. You heard the doctors; it should only be a few weeks until they're out of the hospital."

"They could have died!" Cho exclaimed, uncharacteristically emotional.

Rigsby cast his eyes about the room for a change of subject and spotted just the right one walking through the doors with a big smile on his face.

"Jane! Will you please tell Cho that Van Pelt and Lisbon are fine?"

"Van Pelt and Lisbon are fine," Jane replied obediently. He chuckled in an almost sinister manner. "In fact, I think we should all go visit them later today. You never know what you might learn."

Rigsby started on a donut. He looked curiously at the consultant. "Really? Like what?"

Jane dropped onto his sofa and grinned ear to ear. He let the agents wonder what was going on for a moment, and then casually shrugged. "Well, when I went to visit, I learned that Van Pelt wants Lisbon to marry me-"

Cho snorted. "What?"

"I also learned that Lisbon wants Van Pelt to have Rigsby's baby-"

Rigsby choked. Half-chewed donut flew every which way. Cho looked disgusted, but Jane's face was alight with mischievous delight. He waited for Rigsby to stop coughing so that his next words would have their full impact.

"And both of them think that Cho is secretly in love with them and subject to psychotic jealous rages."

Rigsby and Cho stared incredulously at Jane, who smiled serenely. He ran a hand through his curly blonde hair and his grin widened, if that was possible. "You know what? This is a great opportunity. I bet we could learn a lot more about what goes on inside their heads. With all the morphine those two seemed to be getting-"

"No," Cho said instantly and desiseivly. "No, that would be wrong."

"Of course it would," Jane agreed meekly. He turned and slid across the couch to lie down. He clasped his hands on her chest. He let his breath out in a loud, contented sigh. "You're completely right. I just thought that – but never mind about that."

Cho bent over his paperwork, determined to ignore Jane's obvious baiting. Doggedly he scribbled out a few notes. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rigsby set down his half-eaten donut and open his mouth.

"Fine!" Cho exclaimed. If Rigs was going to fold, so was he! "What were you thinking?"

Jane's eyes snapped open and he bounced to his feet with a grin as wide as a puppy dog's wagging tail. He clapped his hands and rubbed them together. "All right! I was starting to get worried. So I have given this a lot of thought. The ladies have a lot of pain right now-"

"Getting shot will do that," Cho interrupted.

"Yes, you're very clever. Let me finish. They've been getting a lot of morphine. And I've been thinking that they could also use some laughter."

"I thought you wanted to learn more of their deep dark secrets?"

"Patience, Cho!" Jane chided. "Now, what we will do-"

Rigsby jumped to his feet. He shook his head, as though coming out of a trance. His eyes were wide with shock. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! How do you figure that Lisbon wants Van Pelt to... you know, have my baby?"

His colleagues stared at him. Cho rolled his eyes. Jane shook his head, a little disgusted. "You're very slow today, Rigsby."

"Never mind that! You caught me off guard." Rigsby fixed Jane with the most intimidating stare he could muster. "Now why-"

"They were swapping dreams. Can I explain my brilliant plan now?"

"Yeah," Risgby sat down, falling back into shock. "Go right ahead."

"Thank you. I-"

Cho's phone rang. Jane rolled his eyes and sat back on his couch in defeat. Cho scrambled to answer the phone. "Hello?" His expression turned uber serious as he answered. "It's Van Pelt," he told the other men. Instantly they gave him their express attention. Of course, Jane's mind started wandering pretty quickly. "Yes, this is Agent Kimball Cho. I know who you are, Van Pelt- Yes. Yes, of course. We'll be right there."

Rigsby looked worried as Cho flicked his cell phone shut. "What is it? Is she okay?"

"She wants to see us. It sounded urgent."

"But I haven't explained my plan!" Jane exclaimed in protest.

"Tell us on the way," Cho suggested.

Jane sulked for a moment, but shrugged. "All right."


	4. Chapter 4

Van Pelt waited at the elevator for the hot men that she worked with every day (She was a lucky woman!). She wore a surgical mask that she stole from the nurses' station; she had to stay in disguise, or else the nurses would force her to go back to bed. She noticed that a tall, dark-haired man was watching her from the end of the hall. She gave him a quick glance before turning her attention back to the elevator. When were they going to get there?

The doors dinged open, revealing the three hot men that she worked with every day (Wait a minute... she had already thought that!). Patrick Jane in his pinstriped three piece suit, his clever blue eyes taking in far more than he could actually see. Kimball Cho, emotionless expression and calm stance speaking of some sort of inner tranquility. Wayne Rigsby, his strong jaw and rugged features belying his gentle heart. His dark hair was parted immaculately, telling exactly what kind of person he was. Van Pelt melted just looking at them.

"Van Pelt?" Rigsby said worriedly, rushing from the elevator.

"Shh!" she pressed a finger to the stolen surgical mask. "Not here, you fool!"

"What's with the-" Cho started, but Van Pelt whipped her IV tower around and rolled it over his foot, causing him to flinch.

"Not here!"

Jane snorted. Van Pelt looked at him curiously, but dismissed it as one of his weird idiosyncrasies. She led the team swift and silent through the hospital corridors. (The dark-haired man had mysteriously disappeared). Soon they were in the safety of the visitor's room. Van Pelt carefully surveyed the area and took off her surgical mask. When she turned back to the men, she saw that Risgby was as red as a tomato, Jane was chuckling, and Cho was being Cho.

"What's with the cloak and dagger stuff?" Cho asked.

"You never know who might be listening," Van Pelt replied vaguely. "Now, I called you here for a specific purpose."

She sat down on an overstuffed chair. The three men stared at her for a moment, and then Jane sat down opposite her. "For what?"

"I'm worried about the boss. They're giving her waaaay too much morphine."

Jane leaned forward slightly, peering intently at her. "Is she the only one getting too much morphine?"

"What are you talking about?"

Jane chuckled. "Is the only reason you're worried about Lisbon is that she's getting too much morphine?"

"No! Of course not!" Van Pelt clasped her hands together and stared at him intently. "The Boss is in grave danger!"

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Grave danger?" he repeated.

Van Pelt nodded vigorously. Rigsby shifted uncomfortably. Van Pelt frowned at him. "You think I'm crazy."

"No," Rigs replied instantly. "No, I think that you've been shot, you're in a lot of pain and you've been given a lot of medicine."

Van Pelt leaned back, folding her arms. "Here's the thing; I've been seeing this really weird guy hanging around. He's wearing scrubs like he's a nurse or a doctor or something, but he never checks our charts! I think he's going to kidnap the boss and force her to marry him!"

Jane snorted. Van Pelt almost threw her IV pole at him, but decided that he was just scrambling to cover up his tormented emotions and concern for Lisbon. Cho's face was impassable, but Rigsby was unconvinced.

"Come on, Grace-"

"It's true!" Van Pelt argued.

"No it's not, you just made that up." Jane laughed. "What are you trying to do, Van Pelt?"

"I think that somebody should stay with us at all times!" Van Pelt exclaimed loudly, trying to sound convincing. Did Jane see through her plan? Did he know it was all a ruse to keep Cho around so that he'd meet the blonde nurse? She glanced at Cho quickly, but he was rubbing his eyes, not about to volunteer to stay.

"All right, I think that's a good idea," Jane said.

"You do?" his three colleagues asked at the same time.

He grinned. The golden sunlight falling through the window into his blonde curls made him look somehow angelic. Nobody was fooled by appearances, though. They all looked at him suspiciously. His grin was devilish.

"If it helps Van Pelt feel more secure and aids in her recovery, then by all means we should do as she asks." He gave the other men a significant look. Rigsby shifted. A sign of a guilty conscious? Van Pelt wondered. Cho, on the other hand, was still Cho.

"Okay. Sounds good. Who should take first shift?"

"Cho!" Van Pelt squealed, anxious to get her clever plan underway.

Cho shook his head. "I've got paperwork. Jane will stay."

"But he was just here!" Van Pelt complained. "And he was mean!"

Jane looked shocked and hurt. "What? How was I mean?"

Van Pelt opened her mouth and couldn't think of a suitable reason for her statement. "All right, you weren't mean. I was just saying that because you're so smart and you'll make us say things that we don't mean due to the morphine and your mentalizing skills. In fact, you've probably got Rigs and Cho here in some super devious plan to learn our deep dark secrets. Don't you?"

Jane grinned like a proud father. "Yep."

Grace rolled her eyes. "Fine. You can be the one who looks after us for now. But don't think I'm even going to talk to you!"

She got to her feet and began tottering back to her room. She spied the dark-haired man turn a corner and frowned. Was she becoming paranoid, or was he watching her? Suddenly she felt a tug on the back of her hospital gown and whirled around. The blonde nurse was standing right there. Her three colleagues were standing a few feet back, Jane giggling, Risgby as red as a beet, and Cho looking bored. Just like before...

"Just let me-" the nurse said, trying to circle Van Pelt.

"What are you doing?" Van Pelt demanded of the nurse, spinning to keep away from her.

The blonde looked at her seriously. "Dear, your backside is showing."

And for the first time, Van Pelt felt the breeze.


	5. Chapter 5

Patrick Jane stood staring out the window, his back towards the two wounded female agents. The warm California sun hid behind dark grey clouds. He wore a black three-piece suit. Lisbon gazed groggily at his back for a long time. He was always wearing dark clothes, ever since Red John had taken Kristina Frye. Jane's suits had gotten progressively darker, and she was so worried that it was some sort of metaphor for his emotional state-

What was she thinking? This wasn't a Shakespearean tragedy.

"Hi Jane," she greeting, pushing herself. She rubbed her eyes.

Jane turned around and grinned at her. "Hey. How are you feeling?"

Lisbon yawned and rubbed her eyes. "I feel all doped up. Those nurses keep giving me morphine. I don't think I need that much." She smiled. Her long sleep had been good; her mind felt a little clearer than it had went she went to sleep. "What are you doing here?"

"Van Pelt."

Lisbon glanced over to her roommate, and found that the redhead was snoring loudly, clutching a paper cut out of a teddy bear. "What happened?"

"She's convinced that a mysterious dark-haired man is going to kidnap you away to marry you," Jane replied matter-of-factly. "She was getting so upset that we agreed to take turns watching over you."

Lisbon snorted. "Yeah right."

"So," Jane's smile softened as he sat down on the bed beside Lisbon, "you never answered my question."

"What question?"

"Who's in love with me?"

Lisbon went red. As a distraction, she glanced over at roses blooming on the beside tables. "So Rigs and Cho are going to be dropping by?"

"Lis?"

"We all love you and care about you," Lisbon replied, cleverly avoiding the true intent behind the question. "We're a family."

Jane grinned at her avoidance, but decided not to pursue the question. After all, he wasn't sure that he was ready for that answer. He didn't know if he was ready to be loved again. "Yes, we are, aren't we? So, what have you been doing here?"

"Nothing much. Watching some TV."

"Anything good?"

Lisbon shrugged. "Castle is pretty good."

"Really?" Jane's eyebrows shot up. "After what you do for a living, you watch murder mysteries?"

"I like the characters," Lisbon defended her choice of entertainment. "It's not about the murders, it's about the people. They're all great. Plus I feel a certain affinity to Detective Beckett. After all, she has to deal with an immature, childish, annoying man who gets her into trouble... but helps close cases."

Jane grinned as he saw himself reflected in her words. "Aren't immature and childish the same thing?"

"No," Lisbon replied, a smile spreading across her face. "They aren't. I've also been watching the Big Bang Theory. Van Pelt made me. It is so ridiculous."

Jane rubbed her arm and patted her shoulder. "Anything else?"

"I-" Lisbon just happened to glance out the door. A dark-haired man was standing across the hallway, a clipboard in his hand, and he was looking over at the nurse's station. For an unknown reason, a shiver went down her spine. But she ignored it, because obviously that was the morphine. "I've also been watching reruns of Doctor Who."

"I didn't think you liked sci-fi."

"I don't, but David Tennant is hot."

Jane laughed. "Well-"

"Well, hello there." The blonde nurse walked into the room and smiled widely at Jane. "I don't think we've met. I'm the day nurse here."

"Hello, nurse. I'm Patrick Jane," the consultant replied, shaking the nurse's hand. "I work with Lisbon and Van Pelt."

"Oh. Isn't that sweet that you come to visit them?"

Was it just Lisbon's imagination, or did the nurse's gaze focus on Jane's wedding ring and a flicker of disappoint pass through her eyes? Lisbon felt the irrational surge of jealousy rising up like a black cloud in her soul. She sank back into her pillows and tried to come up with a great new thing to say or do to drive that nurse away, but remained silent.

"So how are things at the office?" Lisbon asked Jane, trying not to glare at the nurse as she adjusted a few things on the IVs that Lisbon was hooked up to.

"Fine. We're all on paperwork catch up. Bertram wanted Wainwright to split us up temporarily, but we all agreed that it would be better for us just to handle smaller things until you and Van Pelt could come back to work."

"That's good," Lisbon sighed, feeling her mind going foggy again and exhaustion creeping into her again. "You know what's weird?"

"What?"

"I think I'd quit my job before I worked with anybody besides my team. We could start our own private investigation unit. I'd quit for any one of them. Even you, Jane. Even you."

"I wouldn't want you to quit for me."

"But I would. You'd better believe it, you angelic-looking devil!" Lisbon giggled at her oxymoron. "Get it, angelic devil?"

"What did you just give her?" Jane asked the blonde nurse. His blue eyes flashed.

"Doctor's orders," the nurse replied demurely. "A gunshot wound is very difficult to get over."

"I like morphine. It makes it easy not to think. And sometimes I don't want to think, Jane. After everything I've been through." Suddenly she had a brilliant idea of how to get Cho to the hospital and the blonde nurse away from Jane! "You know, I think Van Pelt's right about the mysterious stranger lurking. But he's not after me!"

Jane squeezed Lisbon's hand. "Oh, yes?"

"He's after her! And so one of you guys need to be here all the time. Cho should take next round. Cho is an amazing man who is the best member of my team and is independently wealthy, too!" Lisbon glanced sneakily at the nurse.

"That's nice," the nurse said, and turned to Jane. She smiled so flirtingly that Lisbon was tempted to rip out her IVs and stab them into the nurse, if she wasn't so darn tired! "So you work with the police?"

"Jane!" Lisbon shouted, bolting upright. Both Jane and the nurse jumped. "Jane, I'm thirsty. Can you get me some juice?"

"Sure," Jane replied, standing.

"I'll show you where it is," the blonde nurse replied.

Lisbon groaned. That wasn't what she was planning at all! "Jane, I'm gonna need to talk to Cho. Make sure he comes by sometime when I'm lucid."

"All right," Jane replied, smiling. "I'll be right back."

And then he left, with the blonde nurse right beside him.


	6. Chapter 6

It was precisely a day later when a woman walked into the agent's hospital room and sat down on the chair between their beds. Cho was supposed to be watching over them, but Van Pelt had cleverly manipulated him to stand in the hallway talking to the blonde nurse after she (the nurse) gave them (the agents) their hourly dose of morphine. Anyway, the woman who had just walked in wore a frumpy sweater and pencil skirt, and she had long brown hair. A pair of thick glasses sat on her nose.

Van Pelt and Lisbon both stared in shock. Could it be? No! It was impossible.

"Hello," the woman said. "My name is Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Hi," Van Pelt said.

"You're a TV show," Lisbon said.

Amy nodded. "Indeed I am. However, it seems that the amount of mind-altering drugs that have been given to you to deal with the pain of your recent gunshot injuries has caused you to hallucinate me into existence."

"Great," Lisbon muttered. "Jane's going to love this."

"Mr. Jane doesn't have to know," Amy whispered conspiratorially.

"Oh." Lisbon studied Amy for a moment, and then shrugged. "So why are you here?"

"I don't know. You're the one hallucinating me."

Van Pelt sat up in her bed. "I didn't think I was given that much morphine. Hey boss, is it common for hospitalised patients to share hallucinations? Wait, you're the neurobiologist. I should be asking you!" She looked at Amy.

Amy shrugged. "I'm just a figment of your imagination. How should I know?"

Van Pelt nodded. "Good point."

Lisbon was just about to tell both of them that they were crazy when in walked Detective Kate Beckett. Lisbon's jaw dropped. It was her hallucination! Grace didn't even watch Castle.

Beckett waved, a bit awkwardly. "Hello."

"Who are you?" Grace asked.

"Kate Beckett, from Castle," Beckett replied. "I just dropped in to say that I'll be around sometime, but at the moment I have to go find a killer, so see you later."

She waved again and left. Lisbon stared after her with eyes as big as dinner plates. What was happening to her mind? "Grace," she called loudly, "Grace, are you there?"

"Yeah. I'm right here."

"So am I," Amy added. "Well, now that you've hallucinated me into existence, what do you want to talk about?"

"I've gone crazy," Lisbon groaned. "I'm hallucinating TV characters!"

"Don't feel bad, Agent Lisbon," Amy told her. "After all, you have suffered the traumatic incident of being shot while defending the public good and justice. In accordance with all the trauma and stress that you go through on a daily basis, not the least of which is dealing with Patrick Jane and his clever, manipulative hotness, you have the right to have a mental breakdown. Of course, this hallucination is facilitated by painkillers."

"You think Jane is hot, too?" Lisbon asked in surprise.

"Of course I do," Amy replied promptly. "While he may not be on the same intellectual level as Sheldon, he is smart and as Irene Addler said in "A Scandal in Bulgaria", an episode of BBC's Sherlock staring Benedict Cumberlatch and Martin Freeman, brainy is the new sexy."

"How can you say all that without taking a breath?" Grace asked with interest.

"Practise."

Just then, Cho walked into the room again. He frowned at the two female agents. "Are you okay?"

Grace and Lisbon glanced at each other. Grace cleared her throat. "Cho, can you see anybody in this room besides the two of us?"

Cho looked at her blankly for a moment, and then scanned the room. His eyes slid right over Amy Farrah Fowler. "No."

"Ok. Um..." Lisbon thought for a moment, and saw that the blonde nurse was walking down the hallway. She felt frustration rise like bile in her throat. How was she going to keep the blonde bimbo away from Jane if Cho didn't go flirt with her? "Cho, can you go find our nurse and ask her if I'm going to be allowed to eat real food yet?"

Cho shrugged and turned away.

"Very clever," Amy congratulated Lisbon, nodding her head in approval. "They would make an adorable couple."

"Wouldn't they?" Grace agreed. "Although it seemed to me that they failed to hit it off."

"Don't give up so soon," Amy said. "After all, did anybody ever think that Sheldon and I would become boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"True," Grace said.

"Now," Amy clasped her hands over her knees. "What should we talk about?"


	7. Chapter 7

Wayne Rigsby hesitated outside the automatic sliding glass doors that lead into the Sacramento General Hospital. Cho had phoned him a little over an hour ago, telling him that he needed a break. Apparently Van Pelt and Lisbon were making up all kinds of excuses to keep a blonde nurse in the room and were overly praiseful of him when she was.

"I can't take much more of this," Cho had said over the phone, sounding almost emotional. "You need to come take my shift."

So Rigsby, being the goofy, lovable pushover he was, agreed. Now he wished he hadn't. The sight of Grace in pain filled his heart with sorrow! He longed to be able to go back in time and take the evil bullet that had pierced her perfect skin and spread her life-blood so carelessly about a cruel and cold world...

"Rigs? What are you muttering about?"

Risgby jumped. He hadn't noticed Van Pelt walking up the sidewalk (fully clothed; no bare bottoms this time!). He flushed horribly and fidgeted. "Cho wanted me to come take watch."

"Right. Because of my paranoid freak out," Van Pelt blushed. "I honestly don't know what has been going through my head lately."

"You're lucid!" Rigsby exclaimed. "That means you're getting better!"

Van Pelt shrugged, which made her wince. "I had to get better. I know how much you worry."

The two of them entered the hospital together, and headed back upstairs. Rigsby gazed at Grace with adoration, admiring the graceful curve of her neck and the flow of her crimson locks. Suddenly he couldn't take it anymore. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the diamond he had been carrying since the first day he laid eyes on her. Dropping to one knee, he opened the velvet box.

"Will you wake up?"

Grace stared at him. "What?"

"Grace, wake up."

Grace grabbed the box, but it melted out of her hand.

"Van Pelt! Wake up!"

Van Pelt slowly came to, becoming aware of a warmth and weight on her legs. She wondered what it was, and then remembered that she had been browsing on a computer when she had fallen asleep. The distinctive outline of Wayne Rigsby leaned over her. She blinked once and then twice, trying to clear the fog from her mind. She couldn't understand how she got back to the hospital bed so quickly, and where was her engagement ring?

"Oh," she muttered. "It was a dream."

Rigsby sat on the edge of her bed. "You were crying. Were you having a nightmare?"

Van Pelt sighed heavily and wiped her eyes. "No. I was having a wonderful dream."

"Why were you crying then?"

"Because you proposed to me," Grace replied dreamily. "I love you!"

Rigsby glanced quickly over to the empty bed that should have held Lisbon. Van Pelt followed her gaze and frowned.

"Where's the boss?"

"She had some test of something."

"Where's Cho? It's his turn to watch over us."

Rigs snorted. "I think that he's having a hard time handling your frog jokes."

"Oh." Van Pelt giggled. "Frog in a blender! Do you still love me?"

Rigs went red. "You're only asking that because of the morphine."

"Yeah. So? Do you?"

It took a long time for Rigsby to answer. He looked away, almost as if scanning the room for other life forms or electronic spying devices. Eventually he turned back to her, grasping her hands tightly in his. He smiled, his dark brown eyes gentle on her face. He nodded once, but didn't say a word. Grace smiled back at him.

"Will you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Read me a story."

Rigsby was taken aback. His brows knitted together and his smile melted into a frown. He studied Grace's face carefully, as if wondering if she was being serious. She looked at him, sincerity shining from her grey eyes. Wayne blinked, trying to see if she was drugged. Evidently he decided that she was, and shook his head in amazement, and spoke overly gently to her.

"All right. What do you want me to read?"

Van Pelt pointed to the computer. "I was reading fanfictions. I've found an author that I absolutely love!"

"All right." Risgby picked up the laptop and put in on the nightstand between desks, so that Grace could maneuver herself into a more comfortable position, which she did. She turned on her side, curling her knees up and tucking both her hands under her head as she gazed and smiled at Rigsby. He turned on the computer and opened the internet.

"Who is this author?"

"Captain Ryder*, on ."

Risgby navigated the search function for the site. He found the author's webpage and scrolled through the stories. "All right, what do you want me to read?

"Well, I've read most of them. There's one that has something to do with a ruby that doesn't work, properly, though. Even the title gets all garbled. But anyway, there is one story that I haven't read quite yet. Have you heard part 2. I loved part one. The way the rumours exploded and everybody thought that Gwen and Arthur were secretly in love – which of course they are, but the rumours blew it all out of proportion."

Rigsby found the story that Grace was referring to. He cleared his throat, opened the page and gave Grace a small, sexy smile that melted her heart. "Have you heard?" he read.

"Wait!" Grace reached out and grabbed his arm. "Can you read it with a Welsh accent?"

*Author's note: I couldn't help but put this in. This is a thank you to the Captain for putting up with my crazy ways and reading this fic, even though she is not a Lisbon/Jane and Van Pelt/Rigsby shipper! Also "Have You Heard" is a great fic and it makes me laugh. Plus she's my sister.


	8. Chapter 8

"It appears that you have unresolved romantic issues pertaining to Agent Rigsby," Amy Farah Fowler told Van Pelt.

"Don't talk to me about romantic issues," Van Pelt shot back. "Your boyfriend is afraid to hold your hand."

Amy nodded. "I realise that. However, the problems in my semi-romantic relationship with Sheldon Cooper have very little to do with your unresolved emotions about the hunk o'love Wayne Rigsby."

Van Pelt pushed herself up in bed, jealousy flaring. "You'd better be glad that you're a dream, or I would seriously stop watching your show!" she threatened, and glared at Amy. "Wayne Risgby is not some "hunk o'love" he is a kind, caring, generous person and any girl would be lucky to have him for a boyfriend!"

"Not any girl," Lisbon argued, deciding to join the conversation.

Bernadette nodded. "He's still so hung up about you that's its almost annoying."

Van Pelt blushed. "You really think so?"

"I do," Bernadette said. "Although I have to be honest, I think Patrick-"

"You're not allowed to use his first name," Lisbon interjected. "I'm not allowed to use his first name, so you can't either."

"Why can't you use his first name?" Amy asked. "Is it because you're afraid of developing deep emotional bonds with him that he can't reciprocate since he is emotionally stunted and damaged by the loss of his wife and child, of which he blames himself?"

"It's against regulations," Lisbon answered.

"No, it's not," Kate Beckett replied. "You know what I think? I think we're in the same boat. Jane is annoying, irresponsible, childish, full of himself-"

"Like Castle," Van Pelt interjected.

Beckett nodded. "Like Castle. But he's so good at what he does, and he makes the job worthwhile!"

"So are you ever going to peruse a romantic relationship with Richard Castle?" Amy asked Beckett.

Beckett shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'm ready for a relationship, but is he? He doesn't exactly have the best track record. Anyway, it's been fun hanging out with you girls, but I've got to get back to New York. Castle promised that I could read his new book before he sent it to his publishers, and I've got to think up some really good zingers."

"Bye," Van Pelt and Lisbon both waved.

"So where's Penny?" Van Pelt asked Amy and Bernadette.

"Who knows?" Bernadette replied. "But I've got to get going too. Howard and I are planning our honeymoon."

Van Pelt frowned as Bernadette left. "Are you leaving, too, Amy?"

"Of course not," Amy assured her, adjusting her glasses. "It's not often that female action-cop heroes hallucinate me in their drug-induced stupors. I'm having a great time. Shall we discuss the men on you team some more?"

"Sure," Lisbon replied. "We kind of touched on Rigs and Jane."

"Yes, but I think we should delve deeper into your psyches here." Amy took a notebook out of her bag and surveyed the two agents. "Why don't you both just throw the rules out of the window and engage in passionate secret relationships with the men of your dreams?"

"I tried that," Van Pelt replied. "Didn't work out too well."

"And both Jane and I are too damaged to pursue a relationship," Lisbon sighed warily. "It's not fair, but there you have it."

"I see." Amy looked disappointed. "Well then, what about- oh dear."

"What is it?" asked Van Pelt.

"I sense that there is somebody coming. I had better leave so they don't think you're crazy."

"They won't think we're crazy. We're just drugged," Lisbon protested. "I don't even really watch the Big Bang Theory. Or Castle, for that matter. I've just been bored."

Amy ignored Lisbon's protest and left quickly. Lisbon and Van Pelt sighed in annoyance, knowing that it would be the blonde nurse again. That blonde nurse was always there, like their own personal nurse. But so far, no sparks between her and Cho. It was a little disappointing, but maybe they just had to wait some more on it.

But it wasn't the blonde nurse, although it was a blonde. Cho's informal informant, Summer, walked through the door. She waved an awkward hello to the two agents and sat down.

"Kimball said that you two were taking longer to get off the morphine than the doctors thought," she said. "I decided that I'd come visit."

"Thank you," Lisbon replied, pushing herself into a better sitting position. "So what's new?"

"Not much," Summer replied. "That blonde nurse that you want to set up with Kimball is throwing herself all over Patrick Jane."

Lisbon went rigid. She struggled to keep herself under control. But then she realised that she had just been chatting with TV characters, and changed her mind. She savagely beat her hands into her pillows. "She is, is she?" Lisbon raged. "Well, we'll see about that! Since I am in a drug-induced stupor and this is obviously a dream, I summon Patrick Jane to my side right now!"

Nothing happened. Summer giggled. Van Pelt shook her head. "Boss, this is my hallucination. You can't summon Jane."

Lisbon frowned. "But it feels like my dream."

"Well it's not. And I'll prove it." Van Pelt straightened, rose her arms to the ceiling and closed her eyes. "By the powers of my mind, whose mind we are in, I say Patrick Jane must appear at Teresa Lisbon's bedside and kiss her!"

"Kiss me?"

"Shh!" Van Pelt peeked through her eyes at the door. Nothing happened. Summer was cracking up.

"Ah well," Lisbon leaned back, disappointed. "It was worth a try."

"Maybe we have to go to sleep and dream within our dream," Van Pelt replied. She lay down and closed her eyes tightly.

Summer doubled over, laughing. "This is too much. I've got to tell Kimball."

"You do that," Lisbon said, deciding to take Van Pelt's advice and try to dream about Jane. She closed her eyes.

Both of the agents woke at the same time. Their eyes snapped open and they leaped from their beds. They pointed knowingly at each other and in unison crowed, "SUMMER!"


	9. Chapter 9

**I've had several comments that the last chapter was confusing, and I apologize for that. It was meant to be a hallucination sequence where Lisbon and Van Pelt are overly medicated. I believe that there should be less confusion from here on in, as far as referencing different shows will be minimal. Anyway, I'd just like to say thanks now to everybody who's stuck with me this long. It's beginning to wind down (somewhat) and the end is in sight. Hope you enjoy!**

#

A mysterious dark-haired man stood over Teresa Lisbon's sleeping body. His gaze traced the way her long dark hair fell across her forehead and lay gently against her neck. He could see the veins in her neck, the blood so easily spilt. She was a tygeress in waking, but sleeping she seemed vulnerable, a lamb ready for the sacrifice. Her eyes flickered under their lids; he wondered what she was dreaming about. Lisbon shifted in her sleep, as though sensing his presence and burning thoughts.

He turned slowly away from her and walked to the bedside of Grace Van Pelt. There was a smudge of white power in the corner of her mouth; no doubt from the donuts that Patrick Jane had brought in to the agents earlier in the day. Her brilliant red hair swept over her face, fluttering as she breathed. Carefully, he reached out and touched those crimson locks, the sudden thought of another red-head coming to his mind. He had to return her tea cup.

The hospital was dark, the curtains drawn against the California night. He could hear the pulsing of machines around him and the idle chatter of nurses down the hallway. He looked once more at Lisbon, the tygeress and the lamb, and back to Van Pelt, so pale and delicate she could have been a marble statue.

Two roses bloomed on the stand between their hospital cots. The man touched the petals, the soft, smooth velvet crushing between his fingers. Their delicate fragrance was all too easy to destroy. Beauty was so fragile, so easily destroyed… a knife, a tragedy… life was beautiful. Life was fragile. He picked up the terra cotta pot that held the white rose in his left hand, the red rose in his left. Then, with one last look at the sleeping women, he left the darkened hospital room.

The mysterious dark-haired man smiled as he stepped into the elevator.


	10. Chapter 10

The first thing that Lisbon noticed in the morning was that the sun was shining. The bright rays burst through the thick glass windows to stab her sleepy eyes with their deadly brilliance. The next thing she realized was that the curtains were open, and that was why the sun was able to stab her eyes. The third thing that entered her groggled mind was that her rose was gone.

"My rose is gone!" she cried, aghast, staring at the empty spot that had once held a pretty, delicate white flower next to a red one. She leapt out of bed, which would have hurt except she had just been given a new dose of morphine. She swayed on the spot and had to sit back down. "My rose is gone!"

"Lisbon, it's good to see you on your feet."

Lisbon's head whipped around. She had been so distraught over the loss of the rose Jane gave her that she hadn't noticed that he was there. In the room. But he wasn't alone. Director Bertram was standing next to him, and Luther Wainwright next to him! Lisbon stared at the three of them. Her rose just happened to disappear when these two bosses (Bertram and Wainwright) showed up? They had always been jealous of her intelligence, and her special relationship with Jane (by special relationship, she meant that Jane didn't try to get her fired, and in fact went to great lengths to make sure he worked with her).

"Did you steal my rose?" She demanded. Wainwright seemed to shift guiltily at the mention of the roses. That was enough for Lisbon, who lunged at him. "That was _my_ rose, you had no right to take it!"

Jane caught her. "Lis, nobody stole your rose."

Lisbon started to pull away from him, but decided that she was weak enough to lean into his arms. "But it was my rose."

"I'll get you a new one," Jane promised, grinning ear-to-ear. "Sit back down."

Lisbon allowed herself to sit. "All right. But Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of my rose; he's being awfully suspicious, don't you think? How the heck did a kid so young end up being the boss, anyway? And you, Bertram! Why'd you hire him to be my boss, huh? What are you up to? What is your scheme?"

Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of his age.

Bertram looked overly offended. "You're not in your right mind, so I'll overlook that."

Jane, his head steadying on Lisbon's shoulder, looked over at the two in-charge men. A cunning light lit in his eye. "It is a valid question."

Bertram's eyes flashed and Lisbon could see just how much the director hated Patrick Jane's cunning intellect. He opened his mouth, but Wainwright cut in before anybody else could start speaking, shifting nervously at the mention of questions. "I've been informed that you and agent Van Pelt are concerned for your safety and that you've been having members of your team stand guard over you at all times?"

Lisbon shrugged. "Cho didn't show up last night. But that's okay because we were just making it all up, anyway."

Bertram eyed Lisbon in a way she didn't like. Suspicious? Guilty? Nervous- no, Wainwright looked nervous, his hand shoved into his suit pockets and glancing around constantly.

"Why don't you tell us what-" Bertram started.

"She's injured and medicated," Jane interrupted. He stood protectively in front of Lisbon. "This isn't the time to be interrogating her."

"Thank you, Jane," Lisbon said, beaming up at him.

Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of interrogation. "Um… actually, could you explain to me?"

"Not while he's here," Jane replied, pointing an accusatory finger at Bertram. "He stresses Lisbon and Van Pelt out, so that they don't heal properly." Bertram opened his mouth to protest, but Jane didn't let him. "I'm sorry director Bertram, I just call it how I see it and I see it that you should go talk with that blonde nurse who looks after them. She's been giving them too much morphine and I want you to find out why."

"I don't work for you!" Bertram replied angrily. Jane didn't respond. The consultant stood very still and just looked threateningly intelligent, and Bertram decided that if he was to avoid being made a fool of, he had best do what the consultant said. Straightening his suit jacket, he huffed, "I was going to do that anyway."

"What a drama queen!" Van Pelt sniffed haughtily. She got up from from her bed, checked to make sure her hospital gown was tied shut, and jumped up beside Lisbon, bouncing on her knees. "So you didn't see Cho last night either?"

Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of Cho.

Lisbon shook her head sadly. "My rose is gone."

"So is mine," Van Pelt replied with a sigh, and then looked over at Wainwright. "So you want to know what was going on here? I'll tell you. I saw a mysterious dark-haired man loitering around and made up a half-baked story that he was here to kidnap Lisbon so that we could force Cho to hang around so that we could set her up with the blonde nurse, but that went completely wrong because they failed to hit it off and the blonde nurse has been throwing herself all over Jane instead and besides that Summer is a better match for Cho because she invokes some sort of emotion in him but it all doesn't matter because Cho didn't show up when he was supposed to and it's all for naught and this is a run-on sentence, isn't it?"

Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of the mysterious dark-haired man.

"Van Pelt, Lisbon," Jane said gently, his hand falling from Lisbon's shoulder to gently press against her hand. "Are you sure you haven't seen Cho?"

Lisbon shook her head. "Nope. And that was a run-on sentence."

"I thought so," Van Pelt replied.

Wainwright cleared his throat, shifting nervously at the mention of run-on sentances. "I hate to tell you this, but Agent Cho is missing."

Lisbon stared at her young boss. "What?"

"He didn't come to work today. We haven't been able to get ahold of him," Jane responded. "Nobody knows where he is."

"Oh, no!" Van Pelt cried, her eyes widening in dismay. "This is awful! This is terrible! What are we going to do?"

Lisbon was equally distraught. "How are supposed to set up Cho and Summer now?"

"We're doing all we can-" Wainwright started shifting nervously when suddenly both women gasped and went pale. They slowly turned to the empty stand that once held their roses. Staring at the blank space for a moment, they looked back at each other, their fears confirmed. Grace pressed her trembling hands against her mouth and Lisbon closed her eyes in dismay.

"He took them."

"Cho stole your roses?" Jane asked, perplexed.

"No!" Lisbon's eyes flew open and she smacked Jane for not knowing what was happening. "He took them!"

Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of 'he'.

"Who took what?" Jane asked.

"The mysterious dark-haired man," Van Pelt looked faint. She clutched at her heart. "The one that was always dressed in scrubs but never looked at the charts. He was stalking us, watching us, waiting for his chance! I knew it! He wants to take Lisbon away and force her to marry him!"

"No, he wants to take you away and force you to marry him!" Lisbon cried.

"So he's starting a harem?" Jane asked, giggling.

"Why would he take your roses?" Wainwright asked, his voice pitching. He shifted nervously at the mention of harems.

"I don't know, but he took them. He took them because Cho wasn't here to stop him!" Lisbon leaned against Jane for support. "What evil purposes are in his mind? And it can't be a coincidence! He did something to Cho. I just know it."

"Me too," Van Pelt agreed. "I wish Rigsby was here so I could lean against him for support. He's really good at reading in a Welsh accent, did you know that?"

"Really?" Lisbon asked. "That's cool."

"You know," Van Pelt said. "That mysterious dark-haired man… he looks exactly how I imagined Red John would look."

Lisbon nodded. "He does, doesn't he?"

Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of Red John.

Jane looked away briefly, hurt and anger flitting across his face at the mention of the man who had murdered his wife and child. "Lisbon, I don't think that Red John would steal your roses. He'd have no reason to."

"Hasn't it been established that he's obsessed with you?" Lisbon replied. "Hasn't he been trying to separate you from the team, from me, for years?"

Jane's blue eyes filled with pain, gazing at Lisbon's drug-clouded grey-green ones. "Lisbon," he started gently.

Wainwright coughed nervously at the mention of Lisbon's name.

The blonde nurse came into the room, her pretty blonde face (can a face be blonde? Lisbon wondered) twisted in anger. She stood surveying the two female agents, and especially Lisbon, sitting close to Jane. She turned to Wainwright with a glower. "I suppose you think that I'm not doing my job properly, either?"

"Uh-"

"Never mind! I will not stand here and be insulted! I do my job the way it's supposed to be-"

"Liar!" Jane's eyes sparkled and he grinned. "You're a liar!"

The blonde nurse looked stunned. "I… I…"

"You've been giving them too much morphine. I know you have. Why don't you just come clean? You'll feel better." Jane slowly advanced on the blonde nurse, until he was standing right in front of her at the foot of Lisbon's bed. He peered intently into her eyes. "The question is, why?"

The blonde nurse stared back for a long moment, uncertainty written on her features. She looked at Wainwright, who was staring at her nervously. She looked at Van Pelt, who was staring at her with a tough, if somewhat drugged, expression. She looked at Lisbon, who was staring at Jane dreamily. The blonde nurse swallowed, and looked back to Jane. She didn't say a word, just seized him by that curly blonde head of his and pulled his face in. She kissed him soundly on the lips. His eyes widened in fear and he struggled to get away from her but she was far too strong.

When she finally released him, he backed away, wiping his mouth, the buttons of his black suit jacket torn off. "What was that?" he demanded.

"I love you!" the blonde nurse cried.

Lisbon was seized by jealousy and rage. A force beyond her control took over her body and she grabbed the nearest object, a juice box, and hurled it at the blonde nurse. Unfortunately, Lisbon's reaction time was slowed by the copious amounts of morphine swirling throughout her bloodstream, and so the blonde nurse saw it coming a mile away and easily sidestepped the juice box. Doubly unfortunate was the fact that at just that moment, Director Bertram stepped into the room. Triply unfortunate, he was in the line of fire.

The juice box exploded upon impact. A shower of purple flavored water spread out from Bertram's nose, splashing the blonde nurse who squealed with indignation and dodged away and Wainwright, who flinched nervously. The juice dripped down Bertram's nose onto his white shirt, spreading the stain like thin purple blood. The burst box fell limply to the floor, a crumpled mess.

Bertram looked at Lisbon, glaring for all he was worth as grape juice stained his eyebrows. "Agent Lisbon," he said, and his voice was that of a man pushed to his limits, a man who could take no more of insolence and resistance, a man who hated grape juice with a passion that burned in his heart and mind. "Agent Lisbon, you are on suspension."

Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of suspension.

"Why do you keep doing that?" snapped Van Pelt. "At every mention of anything, you shift nervously!"

"I hate hospitals."


	11. Chapter 11

Van Pelt lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. The blonde nurse hadn't been in for a few days, and the rest of the hospital staff wasn't giving her or Lisbon much medication. It all seemed rather suspicious. Van Pelt wasn't giving much thought to the blonde nurse, though. It was a relief to have a few hours to think clearly, and she didn't want to waste any time. Everything in the past while ran through her mind, making her alternately cringe, blush and giggle.

"Feeling better?" Lisbon asked her.

Van Pelt nodded. "I can't believe we actually were trying to set up Cho."

Lisbon laughed. "Well, we did agree that he needed a girl."

"Did you talk to Jane? Have they found him yet?" Van Pelt swung out of bed. Now that she wasn't so doped up anymore, she had gotten dressed in a comfortable yet classy outfit.

Lisbon shook her head. She had likewise showered and dressed. "Cho knows how to look after himself." Despite her words she was nervous for his safty.

"I just hope that it's one of Jane's wacked out plots. I don't know what I'd do if I lost anybody on the team," Van Pelt murmured. "You're the only family I have left."

"I'm worried, too." Lisbon shook her head and put on a brave face. "I'm sure he's fine."

"Yeah. Of course he is." Van Pelt paused. "I'd just really like to know who stole our roses."

Lisbon snorted. "It was probably just that nurse. You saw how she was throwing herself all over Jane-"

"And how jealous you were because of it."

"She was probably jealous that he'd buy you and me flowers and got rid of them," Lisbon continued as if she hadn't heard Van Pelt's comment. "As soon as I'm off suspension, I'm going to start digging into her background. There is definitely something not right about her. She didn't act like a proper nurse, did she?"

"No, I don't think she did." Van Pelt nodded, and then sighed. "You know, I'm glad that we're not pumped full of morphine anymore, but… Is it wrong to wish that I could hallucinate having conversations with TV characters more often? I haven't laughed as much as I did with Amy in a really long time. Since before Craig. Plus it was kinda nice to be able to relieve myself of deep dark secrets and be certain that I was only telling myself."

Lisbon nodded her agreement. "It's strange that we both hallucinated them, though. I guess it was a shared psychosis or something like that. I just wish that I had more time with Detective Beckett. She could help me figure out how to deal with Jane, given who she deals with every-."

It was just then that Detective Kate Beckett walked into the hospital room, her six-inch heels clicking against the floor. Lisbon started in surprise and then went white. She didn't mean it! Was she forever to be doomed to hallucinate TV characters, her sanity questioned at every turn? Is that what years of stress had done to her. Across the room, Van Pelt was also white. She glanced at Lisbon quick to make sure they were sharing the hallucination. Detective Beckett looked between them almost sheepishly.

"Detective Beckett?" Lisbon squeaked.

"No," Beckett replied, shrugging. "Stana Katic."

"The actress?" Van Pelt asked.

Stana nodded. She looked between the agents apologetically. "I'm very sorry for the deception, but Mr. Jane hired me to come… He made a very convincing case that it would help the two of you heal faster."

Lisbon stared for a moment, and felt her face go red from embarrassment and anger. She breathed deeply to calm herself. "He does that. So Amy and Bernadette…?"

"The actresses," Stana told her.

Van Pelt pressed her hands to her face. "And when you guys brought in cameras?

"Courtesy of Mr. Jane. He said that you'd enjoy watching your antics when you got better. I believed him at the time, but when I gave him the tapes he chuckled kind of… evilly. I'm really, really, sorry."

"It's okay," Lisbon assured her, and despite herself her anger melted away and she was grinning. "The best of us have fallen prey to Jane."

"So what you said about Castle it wasn't true?" Van Pelt asked, her voice tinged with disappointment. "Wow. I was almost convinced to start watching the show, just to see if the two of you were really that cute."

"It would be nice for you to watch it anyway," Stana suggested. "But anyway, I thought you should know the truth. And now that you do, what are you going to do next?"

"What do you mean?"

Stana looked at Lisbon. "I may not be a 'real' detective, but I know love when I see it. And you are in love with Mr. Jane, and you," she turned to Van Pelt, "totally head over heels for Mr. Rigsby. There's no use denying it, either, since we've spent the last few days discussing just how much the two of you love your respective male colleagues. Now, I'm going to ask again; what are you going to do about it?"

Lisbon sighed unhappily. "It's against regulations. If Bertram found out, he'd split us all up. I don't think I could handle that."

"Me, either," Van Pelt agreed. "What we do is too important, and I can't imagine working with anybody else but my team. I'd quit first!"

Stana nodded her understanding. "It's not fair, but I see where you're coming from. It's been nice meeting you both."

"You, too." Lisbon and Van Pelt both stood to shake the actress's hand. When she left, they looked at each other and shook their heads.

Lisbon let herself laugh. "That's exactly what Jane would do.'

"I can't believe that he got the others involved…" Van Pelt trailed off, thought for a moment, and nodded. "Yeah, actually I can. So should we plan our revenge?"

Lisbon shook her head. "Let's just pretend that we never found out. At least I got to meet famous people."

Van Pelt laughed. "Yeah. But I never even got any autographs to prove it!"

The women chuckled for a moment, and then their minds turned to their colleagues. The humor slipped out of the room as both wondered, with worry twisting knots in their stomach, where Cho was. It wasn't like him to disappear without telling anybody, and even less like him to remain disappeared. Both of them glanced unconsciously towards the lack of roses, and shivered. It was ridiculous to think the events were connected. Wasn't it?


	12. Chapter 12

"Stupid nurse with her stupid morphine," Van Pelt muttered under her breath. She grumbled for a while more.

"Did you just say 'nurse cup'?" Lisbon snapped at her.

"No!" Van Pelt snarled. "Why would I say that? How dumb do you think I am?"

"I don't think you're dumb! I think that stupid blonde nurse was dumb, and I think stupid morphine is dumb!" Lisbon roared back.

Needless to say, they were suffering terribly as the extra doses of morphine that the stupid blonde nurse had been giving them were no longer in supply. Both women were grumpy, grouchy and downright mean! It was probably a good thing that they were, at long last, being released from the hospital. And although they weren't sure why they had just started suffering from withdrawls, and indeed why the hospital would let them go when they were, they weren't going to complain. About that, anyway.

"She wasn't even a real nurse," Van Pelt whined as she and the boss waited for the cab they had called. "I bet when the official inquiry comes to a close, then they'll find out that she was a fraud! Stupid nurse. Why didn't Jane know she was a stupid con-woman?"

Lisbon thought for a moment. "I don't know. The way she was throwing herself all over him was just disgusting."

"Yeah," Van Pelt agreed.

"What's more, I bet it was a ruse! I bet that she was just trying to distract from that fact that she was a stupid fraud and not a real nurse, either."

"I bet she isn't even a natural blonde!"

"You know what else? I bet the Mysterious Dark-Haired Man was working with her, so that she wouldn't be discovered!"

Suddenly both women fell silent. Across the street, wearing green scrubs, was the aforementioned Mysterious Dark-Haired Man. Coincidence? Probably, but what's the fun in that! Van Pelt and Lisbon both glared.

"There he is! He's a jerk!" Van Pelt muttered.

"Yes he is!" Lisbon narrowed her eyes. "But let's be fair, he's probably just some nurse that hangs out all the time."

"Probably," Van Pelt agreed. "Morphine may be fun, but these withdrawls sure aren't! It's like-"

She was cut off by a silvery-blue car pulling up in front of them.

"Would you ladies like a ride?" Jane asked with his typical grin.

"Yes, but not with you," Van Pelt replied rudely, and then felt bad. "I'm sorry. Sure, we'd love a ride."

She slid into the back and let Lisbon have shotgun. Strapping on their seatbelts, they peered out the window at the opposite side of the road. Both started in surprise.

"He's gone!"

"Who's gone?" Jane looked out the window.

"Never mind." Lisbon leaned back and frowned. "Maybe it's the withdrawls."

"Maybe," Van Pelt agreed doubtfully.

"What?"

"The Mysterious Dark-Haired Man," Van Pelt explained. "He was across the road, and now he's not."

"You mean that man?" Jane pointed to the crosswalk.

Lisbon shook her head. "Nope. That's not our Mysterious Dark-Haired Man. Now take us to HQ."

"You're suspended."

"Well, I don't care. We'll say that I'm there to get some stuff, but I'm not leaving Cho out in the cold, wherever he is!" Lisbon replied. "Now let's go before I break something."

"Amen, sister!" Van Pelt agreed empathically.

Meanwhile, back at HQ, Rigsby was the only one of the team left. He nibbled on a donut and a hamburger. Paperwork was spread out over his desk, but his mind was occupied elsewhere. He was thinking about Van Pelt. Van Pelt, smiling sweetly. Van Pelt rolling her eyes at him. Sitting at her computer, her back straight, her fingers curved gracefully as she typed on the keyboard, finding whatever information they needed to know. Van Pelt lying on the gurney, blood seeping from a bullet wound. Van Pelt pale in the hospital. Van Pelt giggling and incoherent on morphine. Van Pelt grabbing his arm and asking him to read a fanfic with a Welsh accent. Van Pelt walking through the door. Van Pelt frowning at him, asking him if he was okay. Van Pelt flicking his ear-

"Ow!" Rigsby exclaimed, wincing.

"I asked if you were okay!" Van Pelt replied.

"Oh. Oh, yeah. I'm fine." Rigsby looked back at his paperwork. "I'm glad you're out of hospital."

"Me too." Van Pelt sat down. "But Wayne, I'm suffering from withdrawls and it's not fun. I'm all cranky, and then I'm emotional and it's like I'm living in a badly written Fanfic!"

Rigsby though privately to himself that it had felt that way to him ever since she had been put in the same room as Lisbon to recooperate. He wasn't about to tell her that, though. Instead he tried his most supportive smile. "It's okay, Grace. We'll get through this."

Van Pelt smiled back at him and opened her mouth. Before she could speak, however, a dark-haired man came strolling into the bullpen. His face was emotionless, his eyes dark and focused. He wore a black suit. His feet clipped against the floor with definitive, solid footsteps. There was a blood-red tie around his neck.


	13. Chapter 13

**All right, so this isn't my best chapter. I'm trying to tie up loose ends and bring some semblance of conclusion to the story. I think that there should be four more chapters. It's been a blast and I've had a great time writing this fic, and I thank all my readers for joining the journey with me. Lots of love to you all from Mythqueen!**

Lisbon and Jane walked to her office as Van Pelt went over to Rigsby and attempted to talk to him.

"I don't care if I'm suspended," Lisbon was saying once again, "I am going out there and I'm going to find Cho and make sure he's all right."

Jane nodded in agreement. "I'll come with you. After all, you're still injured and if someone needs to take down a suspect-"

"Then you'll be there to tell me what a great job I did?"

Jane grinned. "Exactly."

Lisbon began gathering up some things from her desk. She glanced up once at Van Pelt and Rigsby. "Look at those two. They have no idea how obvious they are. But you know what? That's okay, at least for now. Anyway, are you sure that Cho didn't leave any messages are anything?" When Jane shook his head, Lisbon sat down. "And this isn't a plot?"

Jane shook his head again. He opened his mouth, but just then Lisbon jumped to her feet. Jane turned to see a dark-haired man wearing a dark suit and a blood-red tie stroll into the bullpen. Van Pelt and Rigsby stared in shock. The man's face was expressionless, his dark eyes focused. Lisbon headed out and Jane followed close behind her. The man sat down at Cho's desk.

"What's with the tie?" Rigsby asked the man sitting at Cho's desk.

The man looked down. "I forgot I had it on." He took off the tie, opened a drawer in Cho's desk and dropped the tie in, pulling out a black one to put on. "Better?"

"Kimball Cho!" Lisbon scolded as the man as Cho's desk adjusted his black tie. "What are you doing?"

The man at Cho's desk, or rather, Cho himself, looked up at her. "Coming to work." He put some papers down and began writing. Everybody stared at him for a long moment. His whole, emotionless demeanor seemed to be somehow bouncy and happy, like he was walking (or rather, sitting) on sunshine and didn't have a care in the world. They glanced at each other. Something was up!

"Where have you been?" asked the very worried Van Pelt.

"Vegas," Cho replied shortly.

"Vegas?" Lisbon repeated. "What were you doing in Vegas?"

Cho looked up. His face, as always, was impassive. "I got married."

"Married?" everybody, including Jane, exclaimed in surprise. "Married to who?"

Cho rolled his eyes at them and began writing again. Lisbon didn't know what to say or think . While she believed that taking time off of work to get married was a perfectly reasonable excuse, she had no idea that Cho was even dating! Plus he hadn't requested time off. He had just ditched work and ran off to Vegas. Summer came prancing into the bullpen. Lisbon was about to ask her if she knew what was going on when she noticed a shiny ring on Summer's left hand. Jane inhaled sharply and Van Pelt's jaw dropped. Rigsby looked around, clueless. Summer sat demurely on Cho's desk and smiled sweetly.

"Hello, Mr. Cho," she giggled.

"Mrs. Cho," he replied, somehow sounding both emotionless and flirtatious at the same time.

"You married Summer?" Rigsby exclaimed in surprise.

"It's better than Winter," Summer giggled. She swung herself around to be caught in Cho's arms. Then they started kissing.

"I'm lost," Lisbon whimpered, turning to Jane for help, but he looked as lost as she felt. "What's going on?"

"Well, right now it seems that Cho and Summer are making out," Jane said slowly, and then turned to stare out the window. "So are Van Pelt and Rigsby."

Lisbon turned and saw that it was true. She scratched her head. She looked back at Jane. For a moment they stared at each other. Lisbon stepped close to him, and then turned to look at the other two members of the team. Jane put his arm around her waist. "Kinda makes you feel like a proud parents, huh?" he asked in a low voice.

"Yeah. This is crazy, but… you know, I'm glad they're happy."

Lisbon put her arm around him as well. And it was then, with Cho making out with his new wife, and Rigsby and Van Pelt making out as well, that Bertram had to walk in. At first Lisbon and Jane didn't notice, standing with their arms around each other and beaming. Bertram's eyes bugged out of his head for a moment, and then with a gloating smile, he shouted. "A-HA!"

The making out couples jumped apart. Jane and Lisbon turned in surprise. Bertram did a jig, and then a tap dance and then stopped because he felt… unmasculine. He settled for rubbing his hands together and cackling gleefully.

"Lisbon! You're not supposed to be here."

"I came to pick up-"

"And relationships are against CBI rules!" Bertram interrupted, crowing. "Now, I will split you all up and put you on separate teams and you will no longer be together!"

Lisbon was filled with anger. Her grey-blue eyes fired, and she took one threatening step towards the director. He stared at her, malice and glee over his pasty-faced featured (and purple eyebrows). Very slowly, Lisbon reached for her gun. She pulled it out, and dropped it on a nearby desk, followed by her badge.

"If you split us up, then I quit."

"Me, too," Jane agreed, pulling out his laminated ID card and tossing it carelessly onto the desk.

"Same here," Cho said, joining them and tossing away his gun and badge.

"You look so dashing like that," Summer purred.

Bertram looked at the little pile, panic welling in his eyes. His gaze snapped to Van Pelt and Rigsby, who hurriedly offered their support and badges to the quit pile before returning to making out. Lisbon rolled her eyes at them, and Jane chuckled.

"You think you can just quit?" Bertram said, his voice wheezy. "You can't quit! What do you think you'll do?"

"Open a private investigation agency," Lisbon replied without missing a beat. "And we'll be the best private investigators in the city!"

"Sure thing," Jane agreed. "And we're going to show you up so bad. Have fun explaining things to reporters."

"All right! I won't split you up!"

"Too late," Cho said.

"Yeah," Risgby and Van Pelt agreed, stopping kissing for a moment.

Lisbon and Jane smiled triumphantly. Then as one unit, the team that had just quit and formed a private investigation agency left the bullpen and went to the elevator. As soon as they were inside, they heard Bertram let loose a wail. Just as the doors were closing, a hand pushed between them. Wainwright stared at them, his eyes wild and terrified.

"Take me with you!" he pleaded.

"Sorry," Lisbon said. "It's going to be hard enough to find work for the six if us."

Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of work.

"Now don't start that again!" Van Pelt warned, speaking with a fake British accent and oddly enough looking like a cartoon vulture version of the Beatles.

"But-" Wainwright started. The elevator doors shut, leaving him behind.

"Maybe we should have brought him with us," Lisbon said.

"We can't save him," Jane comforted Lisbon. "Besides, he's annoying with all of his shifting."

"I like him!" Lisbon replied.

"Me, too," Van Pelt said.

"He's yummy," Summer agreed.

"Mrs. Cho!" Cho said, a slight grin on his face. "That's perfectly scandalous."

"Oh, great," Lisbon groaned. "They're making out again." 


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm sorry for taking this long to get this next chapter done, for all those who have been waiting for it! Writer's block and real life has gotten in the way of my silly side. Anyway, I'm hoping that I'll be able to get the rest of the chapters done soon, although I may end up condensing the others that I had planned into one. I'm not sure yet. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!**

It had been two weeks since the team had quit the CBI to form the Cool, Beautiful Investigators detective agency. In that time, they had three paying jobs. The first was a little girl who gave them each fifty cents to find her missing cat, which turned out to be the key in a murder that they solved and were able to laugh in Bertram's face as he, himself, had declared it accidental. The second was a hysterical rich old woman who was sure that her rich old husband was unfaithful. The truth was he was involved in an international illegal trade in exotic pets and he hadn't ran away with the housekeeper, he got eaten by a Nile crocodile. In her gratitude, the old woman gave them ten thousand dollars. The third was Jane putting a ransom demand on Lisbon's desk and hiding in the basement so that they could feel good about solving a case without him, and giving everyone a pack of lifesavers as payment.

Of course, they had non-paying jobs, too. Over the course of the two weeks, Wainwright had slipped them four cases under the table that they had solved easily. The problem with this arrangement was that they really did need money: to rent their new office building, to pay for their computers and of course, to download new apps on their ipads. This monetary problem was solved by Jane running down to Vegas for a weekend and returning with ten million dollars. He gave them each fifty thousand dollars, and told them that it was their monthly salary. Lisbon had argued that they shouldn't get their earnings from gambling, as there were a lot of people addicted to gambling and were destitute because of it. Jane reluctantly agreed and cut their monthly salary to twenty-five thousand dollars.

Now this could have caused yet another problem, as Jane was now technically their boss since he was paying them. However, this was resolved very easily. Everybody ignored that technicality, and Lisbon went on being the boss she always had been. All in all, it was a great life except that they were so bored out of their skulls that Van Pelt had linked their computers together and they were playing World of Warcraft in a team for hours on end.

Then one day, somebody walked into their office. She was tall, slender, wearing a smart business suit and a serious expression on her face. She brought with her a tall pile of official-looking boxes. She surveyed the team coolly, because she had walked in on them having an airplane throwing contest and Cho had just crunched his together and threw it out the window to win. As a side note, Summer was now an official member of the team, and she got along great with everyone, especially Cho.

"Agent Darcy," Lisbon greeted coolly, as if she was the one who had just walked in on Darcy throwing airplanes. "What can I do for you?"

Agent Darcy walked into the office, her high heels muffled in the carpet. "I want to hire you as official liaisons to the FBI."

"What?" Lisbon exclaimed. "I thought you didn't like us."

"Why did you think that?"

Grace spoke up. "Because you accused Jane of working with Red John, and you said the rest of us were all hopelessly hypnotised by Jane's charms and we'd do anything for him, and that made us idiots and fools and some words that I just don't care to repeat."

Darcy rose her eyebrows in confusion. "The only other thing I said was that you all seemed doped on his personality."

Lisbon and Grace flinched. "Don't use that word!" they both exclaimed. "It brings back bad memories."

"Yeah," Cho, Rigsby and Summer gathered around their colleges protectively. "We don't use that word."

Darcy shook her head. "Okay. Sorry. But I only said all those things because I was threatened by Jane's intellect and was mad that he was smarter than me. I have come to realise that now, and I know that he isn't working with Red John, because that would be waaaaay too cliché. Where is he, anyway?"

Lisbon looked around. "Jane?" she called.

Rigsby frowned. "He's not holding himself for ransom again, is he?"

"There's no notes," Van Pelt replied, checking over the desks.

The pile of boxes that Darcy had brought with her shifted nervously.

"Hello, Wainwright," Lisbon said.

"Hello," Wainwright said from behind his pile of boxes. "How are you?"

"Can't complain. You?"

"I'm going to couple's therapy to get rid of my shifting nervously at the mention of anything."

Agent Darcy shifted nervously at the mention of couple's therapy.

Just then, an air vent above Lisbon's desk burst open. Jane's blonde head poked out of it. He was covered in cobwebs. "For future note, air vents are _not_ a good way to sneak in on people," he said, coughing. "Too many spiders, and they do not like it when you try to hypnotise them."

"You hypnotised a spider?" Grace asked with interest.

"I just squash them," Summer offered. "Well, I get my husband to squash them."

Summer and Cho proceeded to give each other googily eyes. Van Pelt and Rigsby shook their heads, and Lisbon sighed. Jane grinned, reaching into his pocket. Agent Darcy and Wainwright shifted nervously at the mention of Summer's husband. Or just husband.

"Why don't you put the boxes down," Lisbon said to Wainwright, gesturing to a corner.

"Agent Darcy?" Jane said, having just noticed the FBI woman and the CBI man. "What are you doing?"

"We snuck the Red John files out of CBI headquarters," Wainwright answered for Darcy. "It was awesome. We make such a good team."

Darcy shifted nervously at the mention of them being a team. "I'm hiring you to catch Red John for me. I'm too busy with other things."

"What things?" Jane asked.

"Things," Darcy replied with a nervous shift. "Plans."

"What plans?" Summer asked.

Darcy went pale. Wainwright shifted nervously. Jane pulled his hand from his pocket. He was holding a small object that flashed white in the fluorescent lighting. With a quick flick of his wrist, it went flying. Wainwright gasped as it came towards him. Darcy gave a loud cry of distress and jumped in front of him. Summer and Cho clung to each other. Rigsby tried to swat it out of the air with a flyswatter. Van Pelt covered her face with her hands. Lisbon rolled her eyes.

"I win!" Jane shouted triumphantly as his airplane glided out of the window and across the street, landing gently on the roof of the opposite building.

"Seriously?" Lisbon complained, looking at everyone. "What was with all the drama?"

"I don't know, it just seemed like the right thing to do," Rigsby replied with a shrug. "Anyway, back to Agent Darcy and her hiring us."

"Right," Darcy said, pulling herself out of Wainwright's arms and flushing terribly. "As I was saying, I want to hire you all. Will you be hired?"

"Well, we're still going after Red John anyway, so we might as well get paid for it," Lisbon replied with a shrug.

"Great!" Darcy clapped her hands. "I'm really glad."

"Me, too," Wainwright sighed. "Bertram is getting really annoying lately. He's playing this wailing music all the time. I can't tell if it's blues, punk, heartbreak rock, or a cat getting strangled. This way, I can find excuses to come and hang out with you! 'Cause Red John is still technically part of the CBIs jurisdiction right now."

"Anyway, it's time for us to leave," Agent Darcy said. "But before we go, can I ask you guys something?"

"Sure," Lisbon said. "What is it?"

"Why 'Cool, Beautiful Investigators detective agency'?"

"That's so we can still yell 'CBI' when we ambush people," Cho explained. "It was my idea."

Agent Darcy nodded. Then she and Wainwright left, shifting nervously together as they went down the stairs. The CBI detective agency glanced at each other knowingly.


	15. Chapter 15

**This is the final chapter. I'll admit that it is rushed and condensed, but I wanted to get these two scenes in and I'm just not feeling this story anymore. I may have an epilogue, but I'll just have to see if it works out!**

**Now, for all of you wondering who the Mysterious Dark-Haired Man is:**

The director of the CBI, Gale Bertram, was sulking. The blinds in his office were closed so nobody could see him, the lights were off and he was playing Adele's latest hit single over and over again. Everything had gone wrong! All of his brilliant plans! Not only had he failed to isolate Jane from the rest of the team, as he had planned, the team was now closer than ever! They had their own detective agency, for crying out loud! How was he supposed to get Jane out of the picture so that he could have Lisbon all to himself?

The door opened with an ominous creak. Bertram looked up. A mysterious dark-haired man entered the office. He wore a blood-red sweater. The man sat down and gazed imperiously at the CBI director. "The Master is very displeased."

Bertram rolled his eyes. "The Master is always displeased. That's why all our fellows keep getting killed off."

The mysterious dark-haired man thought for a moment and then nodded. "You're probably right. Who is the Master, anyway? I mean, I know he's Red John, but who _is_ he? Is he even a he?"

"How am I supposed to know? I'm just a lackey."

"Oh." The mysterious dark-haired man hesitated a moment. "Do you know who I am?"

"No."

"Great." The mysterious dark-haired man cradled his head in his hand, moaning in dismay. "So I'm just a mysterious dark-haired man in a red sweater who steals roses from women doped up on morphine? That's all I am. What is my purpose in life?"

"You were also a mysterious dark-haired man in a red sweater that sits beside a fake Red John in a mall," Bertram reminded the mysterious dark-haired man comfortingly.

"Right. I forgot about that. I got to sit beside a fake Red John so that Jane would shoot him. Sooo glamorous! You're lucky. You get to be the annoying powerful figure in this game of... whatever this game is. I get to steal roses." The mysterious dark-haired man sighed. "What did you do with those roses, anyway?"

"None of your business!" Bertram snapped, his bald head going red. "Just deliver your message and go!"

"All right." The Mysterious dark-haired man shrugged. "The Master just wants you to know that he's displeased and that if you don't get your act together you're going to be in big trouble."

"What's the use?" Bertram sighed. He opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled out a collage of pictures of Lisbon that he had made when he was being a creeper and stalking her before he joined the CBI. "I will never have the one I love!"

"Give me a break," the mysterious dark-haired man rolled his eyes. Neither one of them noticed the cupboard shifting nervously.

_**Meanwhile, at the CBI detective agency:**_

Jane woke up from his nap. It had been a good nap. Restful. Peaceful. He hadn't had a nap that like since the previous day! He loved naps. He sat up and stretched. Maybe he'd be able to sneak in another nap before bedtime, but maybe not. Naps were great, but too much of a good thing... He looked around the office and saw that all the desks were empty except for Lisbon's. She was typing on her computer, her beautiful eyes riveted on the screen. She looked up and smiled at him as he yawned exaggeratedly to get her attention.

"Where is everybody?" he asked.

"Cho and Summer are meeting a suspect and Rigs and Van Pelt went out on a date," Lisbon replied.

"Dates," Jane snorted. "Dating is only useful to see if you love each other enough to get married. Well, I guess if you're not planning on getting married it has other uses but those don't count. Dating is stupid, anyway."

"You never dated Angela?"

"I'd known her my whole life. She knew me and didn't hate me. Why would I need to date her?"

Lisbon shrugged. They two sat in silence for a moment. Lisbon typed on her computer, and then stood up to stretch. She walked over to the window and gazed out at Jane's paper airplane on the roof across the street. A blue car was parked illegally on the street below. Lisbon frowned. That blue car had been there for a long time. She shrugged and turned back to Jane.

"So should I get a dress right away or wait until we get Red John?"

Jane joined her. "Do you want a dress?"

"Not really. We could just go to city hall in jeans and sneakers."

"Hey! I'm wearing my suit."

Lisbon shrugged. "Okay. Whatever you want. Should we tell the others?"

"After we get Red John."

"All right," Lisbon sighed. "But let's renew the marriage license again right away, just in case we get him tomorrow."

"Of course." Jane nodded. "I'm glad you understand, Teresa."

"Of course I do."

"I love you."

"Ditto."

What they didn't know is that Red John was watching them from the blue car on the street. Eyes fiery with indignation were narrowed at the window where Teresa Lisbon put her arm around Patrick Jane. How dare she touch him! Jane wasn't for the likes of her… Jane wasn't for anybody… Red John turned back to the road, knuckles white on the wheel in fury. That idiot Bertram, messing up the best of plans! Why had he thought that splitting them up at work was the best way to isolate Jane? No- he was thinking of Lisbon. The disgusting bald man always has a ridiculous crush on the brunette agent. What did he see in her, anyway? Breathing deeply to dissolve the anger, Red John flicked her blonde hair over her shoulder, put the car in gear and drove away.

I _**hope that you enjoyed this crackfic and thanks all who have made this such a lovely journey for me! If you're interested, I've posted my very first every mentalist fanvid here: **__** watch?v=TX-qib1Ji2Q**__** It's set to Florence and the Machine's "Howl", about how Jane is becoming more and more like Red John. Spoilers for the season 4 finale.**_


End file.
